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Adam Sandler was honored with a Career Achievement Award at the AARP Movies for Grownups Awards Saturday night and he shared his 10 Reasons Why He Knows He’s “[Effing]” OLD.
Here they are:
1. “The other day, I had to swallow a Viagra just to take a [pee]. And of course I had to call my doctor because of [pee] lasting for more than four hours.”
2. “When I sit down, it sounds like a semi-truck driving over a family of lobsters cracking their knuckles and eating Pop Rocks.”
3. “My tongue only has one taste bud left. Everything I eat now tastes like oatmeal, except oatmeal which tastes like Vaseline.”
4. Using a font so big that his texts “can be read by anyone with a window seat on a Delta flight.”
5. “[Using] a Dude Wipes on my pee-hole.”
6. “When I dive to the bottom of the pool, most of my back skin stays floating on top of the water.”
7. “At my high school reunions, I spend most of the night saying, ‘I’m so sorry to hear that.'”
8. None of his toenails are the same color anymore and they look like “a box of Crayola crayons” when he takes his socks off.
9. “I called the Depend diaper headquarters and asked them if they ever considered getting into the sweatpants game.”
9.5. (He wrote a second #9 in case the first one didn’t work.) “My testicles are sagging so low that I now have to walk while wearing four shoes.”
10. He starts a movie and falls asleep almost immediately. Quote, “To every one of you fellow artists out there who are getting all the accolades, I must say I loved the first 30 seconds of all of your movies.”
